Dear Taren: 8:12 PM

Allow me to introduce you formally to my bum.

(NB case study shot #0001, profile)

I am posting a picture of my bum on the internet to raise awareness for a very important cause - Bum Builders of America. You see, I am among a group of unfortunate people in this world with a "no-bum", also know as "flat back and a crack". The group is not widely recognized but the situation is dire nonetheless.

Those who suffer from "no-bum" (referred to as NB for the remainder of this post) suffer many trials. We have no junk in our trunk. We have no tailfeather to shake. And worst of all is the saggy butt we sport in most every pair of jeans we own 5 minutes after putting them on. It is a true Jean-etic disorder.

Although nature created NB, science and a good plastic surgeon, Spanx, or padded underwear are available. Please feel free to donate to Bum Builders of America as soon as possible to help us overcome this truly disturbing phenomenon.

Dear Taren:

It's been awhile, I know, but it is SO annoying to have to sign out of my normal gmail account and into this one to post and yeah... that's the excuse I've got.

Anyway, Dear Taren:

Why, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!?!?!? do people feel like it is okay to announce that their husband/boyfriend/significant whatever is gone for the night/weekend/week/month on Facebook. C'mon people- you who are the paranoid ones who believe those Amber Alert emails and Facebook status scams can't see the stupidity in putting this as your status? I don't care who you think your "friends" are, my guess is you have a somewhat skeevy/questionable guy from high school or college that you accepted so he didn't feel bad and/or your facebook set up so friends of friends (aka basically anyone) can see your profile. Do you know who friends of friends are? That's ANY skeevy/creepy-ass/questionable guy who now knows what your house/apartment/car looks like (thanks to your Photos), where you work (thanks to your Info), and the fact that you just "Hate it when my (fill in the blank) goes to (fill in the blank) and leaves me here ALL FREAKING ALONE!.

As much as I'd like to post this on my own blog this mensa-qualified group of people includes a few I am required to "try to be nice to" and I can't offend them in any way. Perhaps I will send an email to Fox13 and tell them of all the idiots out there and they can interview me in shadow with my voice altered. Or better yet, perhaps you should write a post on this stupidity on your famous blog and then I'll email Fox13 about it and you can be featured. It's all about you baby.



P.S. For the record, smart people (aka, me) only post how grateful they are to have their big brave whoever BACK from an extended leave.

Dear Taren: 10:13 AM

Why am I Facebook friends with people that I would hide from if I passed them in Wal-Mart?

Why am I Facebook friends with a girl from high school who threatened to beat me up after her boyfriend dumped her for me? She had big scary friends too, that was a tense couple of days... Luckily, or unluckily, for her then dumped me to get back with her, married her, impregnated her, and then divorced her. Point is, why am I "friends" with her?

I would guess that

I would hide from 65% of my FBF,
15% would hide from me,
and the other 15% are actually "real life" friends or family.

What has technology done to us?

Dear Taren Too: 11:00 PM

Please see freeflan.blogspot.com - if you haven't already. My Taren thinks you should be friends. You could swap stories about how people try to call you Karen... or something.

Lisa Leonard Designs Jewelry GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Oh my, this stuff is fabulous and definitely on my Mother's Day wishlist!

Lisa Leonard Designs Jewelry GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Dear Taren: 9:20 AM

I love Dermot Mulroney and in my fantasy world, he loves me back.

I DVR'd "The Wedding Date" like last week and I've watched it 3 times. Sad.

Dear Taren: 10:23 AM

You know that movie Liar, Liar? I haven't seen it in a long time so I don't remember much about it at all, but I think it would be incredibly refreshing to have to speak the whole truth for one 24-hour period. Do I dare do it? No. Because if I was possessed by something to do it then it wouldn't be my fault and people would be like, oh she's not being mean she's just possessed. That would be ideal.

I want to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. But only while possessed.

Dear Taren 4:21 PM

Today is one of those days when I realize parenthood has ruined me. No, not ruined. I'm not sure what the word is but when the sight of poop in your toilet, and on the seat, and on the rug in front of the toilet, and subsequently on your son's big toe, makes you so happy you jump around like a fat woman in a pie shop, you know that your world has been forever rocked.

Dear Taren: 6:02 PM

So I read a status update on facebook by an "extended" family member and it had a misspelled word - not just any misspelled word but a misspelled word that had less than five letters. A misspelled word that was not an accidental keystroke or transposed letter.

Ok, now that I've explained myself, here's the awful part...


When I read it I immediately thought-

should've stayed in school honey, should've stayed in school...

I couldn't help it, and I'm a mean person.

Amen.

Dear Taren: 5:17 PM

Reading the words "tendon" and "ligament" seriously makes me ache all over. *Chills*

Dear Taren: 1:38 PM

I love ellen. I watched a standup show she did on tv today. My favorite part?

"Chances are if you need two hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too."

Brilliant.

Dear Taren: 10:16 AM

Here's my genius moment for the day. Have you ever wondered if you should start using that anti-aging, anti-wrinkle, anti-leather face moisturizer stuff now? I do. Every time I see a commercial. See, here's my thought process - if it helps "defy" aging when you are already old, shouldn't it work that much better if you start using it when you aren't old yet? I'm going to write to Olay or Clinique or Revlon or Almay or hell, even Avon and tell them I'm willing to be a one woman study for them.

Here's the pitch: If they send me a lifetime supply of their latest and greatest anti leather face cream then I will take a picture of my youthful 24 year old face and use it faithfully for 20 years. Then they can contact me in 20 years and take a picture of my still youthful, wrinkle-free, envy of the neighborhood 44 year old face and make one hell of a commercial that appeals to the 20-somethings because by this time it's way too late for the other 40-somethings that weren't as brilliant as me when I was 24.

Think about it, I'd be a freaking walking advertisement for these people. My kids' friends' moms would all whisper behind my back as I attended high school events about how I must have gotten pregnant when I was 12 to have a kid in high school. They'd want to ask me my secret and of course contractually I'd have to tell them but they wouldn't dare ask so I would just continue to walk around flawless while they injected botox or the current toxin being injected into faces in the year 2029, in an effort to get their faces as smooth and crater free as mine.

Dear Oil of Olay People,

Have I got an idea for you...

Dear Taren: 1:13 PM

Why does the author of this MT course think that unscrambling the letters

oimtlcdnesoisodrate

to

sternocleidomastoid

is going to help me learn that stern means sternum. Some of this crap makes no sense but I guess I don't care as long as it helps in the long run.

It better help in the long run.