Dear Taren: 8:12 PM

Allow me to introduce you formally to my bum.

(NB case study shot #0001, profile)

I am posting a picture of my bum on the internet to raise awareness for a very important cause - Bum Builders of America. You see, I am among a group of unfortunate people in this world with a "no-bum", also know as "flat back and a crack". The group is not widely recognized but the situation is dire nonetheless.

Those who suffer from "no-bum" (referred to as NB for the remainder of this post) suffer many trials. We have no junk in our trunk. We have no tailfeather to shake. And worst of all is the saggy butt we sport in most every pair of jeans we own 5 minutes after putting them on. It is a true Jean-etic disorder.

Although nature created NB, science and a good plastic surgeon, Spanx, or padded underwear are available. Please feel free to donate to Bum Builders of America as soon as possible to help us overcome this truly disturbing phenomenon.

Dear Taren:

It's been awhile, I know, but it is SO annoying to have to sign out of my normal gmail account and into this one to post and yeah... that's the excuse I've got.

Anyway, Dear Taren:

Why, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY!?!?!? do people feel like it is okay to announce that their husband/boyfriend/significant whatever is gone for the night/weekend/week/month on Facebook. C'mon people- you who are the paranoid ones who believe those Amber Alert emails and Facebook status scams can't see the stupidity in putting this as your status? I don't care who you think your "friends" are, my guess is you have a somewhat skeevy/questionable guy from high school or college that you accepted so he didn't feel bad and/or your facebook set up so friends of friends (aka basically anyone) can see your profile. Do you know who friends of friends are? That's ANY skeevy/creepy-ass/questionable guy who now knows what your house/apartment/car looks like (thanks to your Photos), where you work (thanks to your Info), and the fact that you just "Hate it when my (fill in the blank) goes to (fill in the blank) and leaves me here ALL FREAKING ALONE!.

As much as I'd like to post this on my own blog this mensa-qualified group of people includes a few I am required to "try to be nice to" and I can't offend them in any way. Perhaps I will send an email to Fox13 and tell them of all the idiots out there and they can interview me in shadow with my voice altered. Or better yet, perhaps you should write a post on this stupidity on your famous blog and then I'll email Fox13 about it and you can be featured. It's all about you baby.



P.S. For the record, smart people (aka, me) only post how grateful they are to have their big brave whoever BACK from an extended leave.